Pray. Schedule a virtual sick visit. Clean the bathroom. Disinfect her room. Vacuum. Sweep. Open the windows. Get almond milk. Don’t forget bananas. Pay that bill. Take out the trash. Exercise. Worship. Turn on the ignition. Check the mail. Mop the floors. Write.
I haven’t moved my car in a week. The slight stress of finding a daily parking space went up in smoke between purchasing groceries and reading the news. We’ve been in the house for days excluding mid-day caps where we take a brief walk or go on our stoop for a full wind of fresh air. The blinds are mad they can’t disclose the nature of what’s happening from their perspective. I’ve even become more disinterested with overwhelmingly poor opinions and misguided statements about who should do what and why. It’s clear we are all up against this strange, abrupt change and our behavior is asking for answers because it’s also somewhat out of tune.
Yet, I find myself in an intentional space of gratitude, believing that we are still a priority of God and therefore many prayers are being answered. Ignoring the opportunities in the crisis is like forgetting we were born with the power to create. I resolved myself to my thoughts and realized I was given a chance to address them in real time, not having to schedule time to think.
My eye for detail has increased. I get to read more and be more still. I get to experience her emotional constancy and see what she needs in order to feel like she is important. I am even learning how to tell myself “no” in ways I didn’t have to before because it’s easy to say “yes” to everything that’s within my reach and nothing to distract me from it otherwise.
I also found aged pictures that remind me of histories I’ve been grappling with, not having lost interest, which is questioned at times. I simply felt as if I lost time. But, I find time now looking at me differently and in my effort to improve our relationship, I’m asking myself hard questions and rendering them to God in the form of dangerous prayers.
I’m hearing #God speak over my own mountains, finding myself interceding incessantly, and believing that I’m not the only one inviting God to pull heaven closer on another’s behalf. It’s humbling to set your needs aside to entreat God for something only He can perform. I’m even getting to know myself all over again and while that fuels my anxiety at times, I have a new appreciation for mirrors and darkness. It seems to be where His light is the brightest.